Marriage

NOTORIOUS, BIG 3O!

Today is a rant about the one thing that any 25+ year old would have heard atleast once! You are getting old! The big 30 will be soon here! When will you get MARRIED?

Then you see your Instagram flooded with posts from your graduate college batchmates  who are rushing into matrimony because they are already 29! My friends are heard saying I’m already 28, my parents want me married by the time I am 29! And what if you turn 30 and are not married yet! Oh no! What will happen then? You’ll die alone! Just marry any Tom, Dick and Harry in your arranged matrimony, but before you turn thirtyyyyyyyyyyy!!!

Hey it’s not so old school anymore! You actually get to date the person before you decide on getting married even in an arranged setting. Actually, not much has changed even there. I speak from the stories of my close friends and cousins.

Scene 1: Guy’s dad came home to see my friend and finds her suitable. Families exchanged congratulatory squeals! Wedding is fixed! The funny part is the 2 hadn’t even met when the marriage was fixed.

Scene 2: The marriage is fixed and the couple exchange numbers on the day of the engagement.

Scene 3: Wedding is fixed right in the first meeting, happens in a month.

All of these are to rush each of them into marriage before they approach the monster year! The big 30!

The scenes are scarier than they make a fuss of turning 30!

It feels like there is a time line to everything that is set by the society. Should be married by 30! Kids by 33! And then by 45 dealing with teenagers. When you are 50, just start forcing your children to follow the same cycle, warna log kya kahenge?

Of course, you need to spend on that big ass wedding with guests who don’t give a shit about you but are there only to eat, you will be paying for their accommodation and entertainment. Don’t your ageing parents need a place that they can spend their retirement money on and take loans? It’s about time you start taking loans too, the wedding ceremony where you marry a stranger who is also decorated and presented for the guests to look at and pass judgements, will be the perfect beginning that you would need to venture into the dark region of the bank loans. This is obviously presented glamorously in the television advertisements for jewellery with a few emotional scenes between the father and daughter, aww so perfect! So all this needs to be done before you hit the big 3O!

‘You know you would love this nice guy who is the only son, well settled he is! My god so handsome! Arrey, just meet him and then decide no? You won’t say no! You’re growing old, you don’t have much time in hand.’

‘See you look so nice! This is your second younger cousin who is getting married. You already are an elephant which has grown its teeth! You will be 30 in a couple of more years. What do you mean you are not settled yet? You have a job no? Come come you are wearing a saree also, perfect photo I’ll take, there was this family who was asking.’

‘Yeah yeah, you only get excited about your friend’s wedding? Come here, let’s have a talk. Don’t take examples from the family for all the marriages, there are happily married couples also. For example… Hmm no one I can think of for now, but there are plenty. Believe me. It’s the right age, before the monster 30 approaches!’ :O

‘You know, that uncle called me today. He told me about his daughter, 3 years your junior she is soon going to get married. He was asking what is your plan? I told him, she’s uselessly travelling the country like a nomad. Everyone can’t be blessed with obedient daughters like him, na?’

 

Having a regular dose of these on a daily basis, you would become an expert at gauging when the topic shift is about to happen and when the aunties, parents and entertainment seekers are mobbing up against you. You then quickly get up pick up your phone, pretend it is a very important phone call and walk away. If all of it happens too quick, pass a hurtful sarcastic remark about the sad marriages of the ones targeting you. Gain complete knowledge and gossip about failed engagements, marriages and dysfunctional relationships which have recently occurred in your friend circle or in the family and present them as your arguments. Quote celebrity lives who were older, have never been married and are happy as hell. Quote examples of happy late marriages, especially the ones around 40s. Gets you more time. Tell them about your dreams and ambitions (they wouldn’t care, but worth a try).

Yeah, so that is my rant of the whole rush of weddings before they turn 30! I think if you are really ready, love your partner and are absolutely sure of what you are getting into, only then do it. This could be when you are 20, when you are 30, when you are 50 or 60! Whenever, but when you are ready and sure.

I wish people would move away from just looking at one wedding day, and spending their money and effort on it but instead focus on the other things which make relationships and marriages worth it and not just an obligation.

 

My younger cousin is getting married next month, yeah it is a shotgun wedding. The guy and the girl haven’t met yet, but they are getting married. I am thinking if I should really risk it all,  my mood, happiness and sanity to be a part of her happiness/wedding, or should I just skip all the drama as usual to get angry phone calls from relatives?

 

I’ll decide on this later, but maybe all of us should give the big 30 a rest and make it not so significant 30. It is not a milestone. Life is not a race. We all have different milestones. Let us try and accept that?

Adios!

All my love,

Dhanya

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Life, my way.

Hi there,

It has been sometime that I took an effort to write or post anything on this blog. Maybe that was because I was too busy writing stories & interpreting the data, that I forgot I need to write some for myself. So bear with me because today’s rant is longer than you would expect, also now would be a good time to stop reading this and move on.

Okay,  as you have decided to listen to me here it goes, today there was some banter at home. It all began with the latest neighborhood news (also read gossip) that was being debated at home.

I should have just shut up for once, but no, me being me had to barge in and give my parents a piece of my mind on a topic that suddenly popped up amidst the debate, which was however, irrelevant to the incident that started the debate in the first place. You might ask weren’t you discussing the incident in the first place? Yes, but you know like most discussions in daily life begin somewhere and transform itself to something completely different from its original self, sometimes with people even forgetting what the topic of discussion actually was.

So, that happened even today. The incident transformed itself to the topic ‘Arranged Marriages and Love Marriages’ . Believe me when I say I have nothing against arranged marriages. Absolutely nothing against it. Just that I cannot see myself trusting a stranger after a single meeting and agreeing to live together for eternity (whatever eternity means to each ~ 1 year, 5 years, 15 years, 25 years?).

I take my own sweet time in selecting my close friends. There goes a lot of years of my belief in them till I can actually share my secrets or thoughts with them. I value my close friends a lot, not because I think they will be there for me when I need them but because they were there for me when I couldn’t trouble my family with my issues. They were my rock, which is why they are even called my close friends in the first place.

Anyway back to the topic, I see my cousins and friends whose marriages were fixed by just the respective ‘families’ meeting each other and one was even fixed before the girl and the guy even met! Isn’t it ridiculous? I cannot believe that this actually happened!  The ‘families’ were very educated to begin with, not economically backward or anything of that sort. It is commendable that they had that kind of faith in somebody they didn’t know at all.

I know people who believe that a marriage can ‘fix a person’ (whatever fixing means) even if that person is abusive or is a horrible human being. So then where do these people go? Ah you guessed it right, of-course ‘arranged marriage’! The reality is well hidden from the view of the other person till they cannot really do anything about it. Factors that determine a match in an arranged marriage as I see around me are: Money (Salary for men and family status/property/gold for a girl), Working Status, Conventional good looks of the girl (If she is not rich, by her I obviously mean ‘her family’), Cooking Skills (For a girl) etc. to name a few. Oh I forgot the most important thing to the list, personality! just kidding, I missed adding the horoscope (if the family believes in it)! When a few of these factors on list get a tick, the family unanimously agrees that the other party is a perfect match and they lock the deal.

After the wedding, once the truth is out and it fails! Even then the family believes that what can fix the situation is again (no points for guessing) – marriage, the second time.

Wow, if this is what you call ‘adjusting’ and if this is the requirement for a society to function as a unit, I am sorry but I would rather be an outlier.

I appreciate that you can do it, but I personally cannot come to terms with the above arrangement. I am happy it works for you and that you are delighted with your marriage. I sincerely congratulate you on finding your life partner and creating a beautiful family in the traditional way. I know you enjoy being the Sanskari bahu/ beta and a loving mother/ father to the bundle of joy you will soon have, I am also very glad to see you smile.

But, I am not as trusting as you are. I take time to believe in people, sometimes many years. I have a small bunch of close friends who became important to me only after years of going through situations and life together. My parents remarked today, let’s see how long these friends you have will stay by your side, for all the importance that you give them.

Let me clarify, I have never expected that my friends will stay by my side forever. I am an adult and very well know that everyone has a life to live and would hate it if someone would stop living their life for me. I have also not been able to give to my friends or family, as much time or effort as I would have liked to. So how can I expect others to do something that I am not able to? But does that mean that the value of people in my life would change or decrease because life happened along the way? Absolutely not! I treasure people for what they have been to me not for what they have to offer in the future.

So, I do not believe in a marriage which means settling down. I do not want to ‘settle’ for anything. I am very sorry but I have no intention to cook for a family or a stranger that I do not know, which is an unsaid or said part of the business deal that an arranged marriage is? I do not dream of the big fat wedding. I have no fascination for the expensive dresses or jewelry that make you feel important for a day. I do not want to move into anyone else’s home and won’t. I adore my parents but then do I want a marriage like theirs? Absolutely not! No, I cannot see my parents as the perfect couple. I do not want to live their life or anybody else’s.

I want to live my life on my own terms. I will take my decisions like I always have. No, it is not because of ‘arrogance’ or being ‘spoilt’ like you would label me. It is only because I cannot see any equality in the ‘arranged marriages’ that you speak of. You might say that love marriages are also not above these things and they are also equally vulnerable to such things. Yes, they most certainly are. But isn’t a known devil better?

I do not know of whatever ‘Love’ really means. But if marriage isn’t at-least as equal as friendships are what is the point really? A legal document to cement something that in itself has no standing? Is that really the requirement?

If I ever want to be married, it would be because I like that person (and vice-versa) not because ‘families’ like each other. It would definitely be because that person would most certainly be my best-friend and my closest confidant (and vice-versa). It would be because it is actually a partnership of  equals (not a relationship of a slave and a master). It would be one with mutual respect and trust. I would not even want a marriage in the first place, this is the basic for even a relationship.

But for now and the years to follow, my career is my focus. No, just having a job is not what I mean by a career. I will not adjust or settle for anything less than what I expect of myself. I might fail miserably but I will never give up. I will keep fighting till I make it. No, I do not want to live the timid and well – behaved careful life like you want to. I will take risks,  cry when I am hurt, take pride when I succeed and strive harder everyday.

Do not emotionally manipulate me saying that if I live the way I want to I will have no one by my side or that you cannot adjust to my way of thinking. Do not tell me that I will not be happy with all the things I expect from my life I will always need something you have to be happy in my life.

You should take pride that I can think or decide for myself. You might have years of experience and you speak with the arrogance that I haven’t seen life the way you have. I might sound rude if I tell you that you and I have had very different experiences so far, you have only been through the ages that I am in (not lived my life) and due to which you think you understand my life. I cannot even say to a 5 year old that, I know exactly how they feel, because, I do not. Me and that 5 year old have had absolutely different lives and different struggles and belittling anyone’s life because you think you are older is ridiculous. You think I haven’t had struggles or that your struggles were much greater compared to mine, because, I didn’t think it was necessary to share my experiences with you for your mental peace, and mine. Reflecting on it, I think I should have. It would have shattered your beliefs and confidence. Still I won’t, as hurting you is not my intention.

So, your life is very much your own project, please feel free to give it any happy direction that you want but, once for all, please understand that my life is not your project. Let me have my own opinions, moments of blunder, choices and power to steer anyway that I choose to. I would be very grateful if you would stop forcing your opinions on me, because I won’t hesitate to reject them and it will eventually end up hurting you, not me.

Yours Sincerely,

#Arrogant & #Spoilt