change

Breaks that bring life with it.

I am in a very happy phase of my life right now. My life  presently is almost perfect though there are a few thorns on the way, they don’t seem like a huge mountain from my present view.

I am on my semester vacation for two weeks, which was a break that I was waiting for from a very long time. I wished to revive my summer vacation memories from my childhood by visiting our ancestral home where my grandparents had lived. I remember the days we went around and played hide and seek and the whole gang of cousins who rushed down there for vacations sat by the pond munching mangoes.Granddad used to tell us interesting stories and tales from the famous epics, from Mahabharata, Ramayana and stories of little Jesus and stories of Krishna’s. We would fight to get a spot next to Granpa just to hear his stories more clearly. Granpa and Granma would make us homemade chips and out of which Granpa was the head cook for all the delicacies that were cooked for us and were our favourites. The way he treated us, the way he treated my mom and the way he behaved at home would be the standard that every man entering our lives  and wishes to stay would have to match.

But this was the story from my childhood days but the situation now is very different. The house now lies uninhabited along with the neighbouring houses that were rustling with happy noises in the past are now replaced with a silence that echoes of memories from the past. Every door, every corner that I revisited talk about the people that once lived there, of the family that grew up there, of the children who were married off from the same house, of the little kids who were cheerfully welcomed by the grandparents, of stories how they grew older together and so did their grandparents. The households in its heart stories of a young man who was essentially  self-made, honest and loving. The man whom the entire village respected and came looking for advice.The house had seen a man who was an adored teacher and headmaster to every child who grew up in the locality, he was also a man who loved his land a farmer. The house was also home to a woman who was again above most common women of her times, a woman who was a teacher that too of a language that is not native to the land she stayed in, she was the one who supported the man of the house who looked after his mother who lost her memories like her own along with being a working woman, a mother and a farmer herself.

But comparing the present situation with past will mostly lead us to disappointments.My cousins and I have now grown up.Our timetables don’t match each other’s anymore. We no longer get  summer vacations. Everyone is getting a hang of responsibilities and each one of us trying our hardest to get used to being ‘an adult’. It is painful to see closed doors. But life has to go on and it is imperative that we change. It is important to grow up.

With time changing I have realized that I am no longer a child whose opinion is gullible. I have developed strong opinions on different subjects. Though I feel I should know my roots but I no longer am able to love people I once loved so dearly. I find them to be so disgusting at times that there is no point trying to convince them to open their closed brains to the bigger better world,  to get to know people from all walks of lives without prejudices and lame biases.

I used to see people previously either in white or black light, but I have over the years learnt no one is completely black or white, everyone is grey sometimes maybe with either of the two colours taking prominence over the other.  I now see People in different shades of grey.

There is also another thing I’ve come to realise some relationships in life are much more than blood relations. I have come to realise that after my family, it is not any relative that I would be willing to do anything for, it would be my neighbours and my friends.

I always wondered if it was possible to stop loving someone, I now know it is possible.  This break so far has taught me a lot of things that no textbook would ever. The life experiences I saw, people I met and the situations that changed the whole meaning of living for me was my biggest takeaway from my semester break.

Breaks and holidays help us grow into better human beings because it often takes us far from our mundane selves who are self-obsessed and selfish, Breaks help us reconnect with ourselves and others and makes us rethink our priorities.

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Growing up.Moving on.

Growing up sucks! Yeah Monica was right when she said Rachel ‘Welcome to real world, it sucks! You’re going to love it!’  I fully understand what she meant today.

I’m right now in a state where I can’t exactly explain what I feel. I’m in betweens situations where there is extreme happiness of making it to where I felt I belonged ,  and that fix when you ask why did this happen only to you. Then I see the silver lining in the situations.After a long time I’m actually going to pursue something that my heart told me to pursue and not what the brain forced me to. I’m taking a leap of faith and I’m sure no matter where I get after this I won’t regret it. I might make money or I might not, but that’s not why I want to do it. I want to go to SIMC because i want to be a part of something I love, I want to work in a field where I’ll enjoy whatever I do.

Engg has not been a jolly ride for me. Every day I sat in any class, one thing that was a constant was the thought ‘why the hell am I here? I hate this thing!’  I made great friends, I’ve had amazing experiences, learnt a lot of things in life, had my many first experiences in engg, I learnt to fail, I learnt to pull myself up and walk looking everyone right in the eye, I learnt not to involve in things/events/people that you are sure are a waste of time, I learnt not to judge people but to understand them, I learnt a lot about life here. But one thing I hated throughout engg was the course it self, there was absolutely no passion. I think if you are yet to join engg and are doing it just for the sake of it, then stop. Do not waste 4years of your life. Do not do something just for the sake of doing it, do it because that’s what your heart wants. Of course you’ll get a job at the end of 4 years. You’ll get your degree certificate, but then what’s the use when you are not happy? What is the use when you have no passion for the subject? What is the use when you do not belong there? What is the use of living the rest of your life feeling the same way? So do yourself a favor and take the subject you actually are passionate about. Maybe it’ll pay you less, so what? Choti gadi,chota ghar but you’ll be happy 🙂

That’s exactly what I’m going to do now. Do what my heart tells me. I might suck at it initially, but I’ll get better. I’ll definitely get much better and that getting better is success for me.

Yes, I’m scared. I’m shit scared, new place, new people, new subject. I’m so tempted to stay back, now that people I love are having a hard time, I feel like stating back for them. But then again, their strength, honesty and faith makes me feel proud of being associated with them. I’ve understood well that life is not about the romantic and glittery picture that is shown in movies or books, it is how much you can smile when opening eyes to face another day is the worst nightmare. Love is about how in times when your loved ones can not stop worrying, that conviction with which you say everything will be alright, I’m there for you always.

I’m so glad for everything I have right now. I’m thankful for this moment and mainly for the people in my life. My family and friends. When it gets hard for me to hide emotions swirling in my head, that’s when smile comes handy. The most precious jewel that anyone can ever possess ; smile!

I know this whole article is haphazard but then so is life. Moments and memories add are thrown at us and are so haphazardly but look at the end picture, that’s beautiful with everything haphazard that fits with each other so perfectly.

One week and project viva, my birthday, then I leave my nest the next day to find where is it that I actually belong. I’m looking forward to my life in SIMC and to enjoying everything that I do.

Wish me luck and also hope that  all those troubles melt away soon. 🙂

Anyway you take care and be thankful for your blessings. 🙂

Random

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Wishing for things start at a very young age,

At three I wished I had an extra doll,

Then I wished for a basket ball,

Later I wished for good grades

And then wished to get a loved one healed.

I wished for a life without loneliness

And then wished for some ‘me’ time.

When I found everything around fake.

 I wished for a true friend-I found you!

 And then so many of you!

All I now wish for is ,

 That I’m on someone’s wish list too! =D

  

Everyday I make a new wish, everyday I choose among my wishes, to prioritize them is a tough deal.I fight with myself every single day, to choose my right and wrong.I get punished every single day by my conscious because my one choice had proven wrong. Then again there are days when I just feel so helpless unable to control the wild me.

 Things I thought were wrong yesterday seem so right today. Things I forbid myself  from doing yesterday are the things I freely profess today. Things which scared me yesterday, are new challenges for me today.My secrets I didn’t share with any one  till yesterday is out for discussion today, because I chose it to be out. I feel as if, I am a whole new person today and the girl I was yesterday is merely a girl whom I knew. My fairy-world has changed to a real world; the princess in it has started facing the real world. And is improvising herself, to adapt to her new surroundings. She has found new friends, but real or fake she just doesn’t know yet. But don’t worry she is now strong enough to” get up and move on”, on her own if she ever falls. She still misses her old world and her old friends, who she knows is true to her. Every time she meets even one of them ,her old world, old dreams old wishes…. just come alive instantly… and then ….slowly fade away… 

Her eyes still shine when she thinks of her dream. She still makes a wish,everyday….

 For a better world tomorrow.

She still loves her family and friends the same way.

Well maybe a little more now…

She still misses her best friend.

She still wants her fairyland back .

P.s-without the demons in it.

 Her voice still shivers and her eyes still gets wet when she browses through her old memories….

But she has changed….. hopefully into a stronger person.

A better human being.